Donald Trump's Misunderstood Call For Tolerance of Mexicans (real life fan fiction)

         Donald Trump's Misunderstood Call For Tolerance of Mexicans (real life fan fiction)

By Randy “Typical Trump Supporter” Rushton

      The last few weeks were difficult for Trump. Speaking to all those people. Being forced to talk about himself. Boasting about his accomplishments. This was not what the Donald was known for. He was such a meek mannered person who was happy when others received the credit. He looked out at the crowd of people, knowing they were ants compared to his God like abilities, and that he would never judge them for their ant behaviors.

          As he stood at the podium, Trump wished he could follow his heart, and open a simple bakery in Maine, but the people needed him. They were calling his name, and some of them had not been paid. He tried not to get to close to them, scared they could become blind by staring right at him. Trump prepared himself to speak reasonably in a measured tone about a non-controversial subject, as he always did. What could go wrong?

        “When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best, They're not sending you”, he began the announcement. This seemed a rational way to start as most comments about a racial group by those outside that racial group are welcomed with open arms. He felt so bad for Mexico. The best people couldn't be there, because they were at the rally. Airtight logic.

        “They're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems.” , he continued, Trump's ocean blue eyes almost filled with perfectly moist tears. Despite what the media may say later, any logical person could tell what he meant. That these Mexicans they had come to America to destroy their problems with the help of Americans. That all Americans must come together to help them become the best people they can be. There was no way to misunderstand this statement.

        “They're bringing drugs,”, Trump continued. This was an important point that was overlooked. We all know that Marijuana will soon be legal and that Americans with it's vast morals would never break the law to grow it. Some cartels have been known to decapitate their enemies just to gain market share. Now, that's a group that understands motivation. None of that weak liberal, everyone gets a trophy line of thinking in those drug organizations. Sounds like something today's kids need more of.

         “They're bringing crime.” Trump coughed as he tried to speak. This caused many people to hear the word crime when he really meant grime. It was well known to educated men like Trump that Mexico wasn't an advanced place like America. Everyone knew Mexicans lived in houses with no floors and didn't know the Earth was round. Trump knew they would have to get slowly used to water coming through pipes. Not to worry. His first act as president would be to get some local witch doctors to bless the magic rods that delivered clean to their huts.

          “They're rapists....” Trump's mouth said. For a few seconds, Trump's brain tried to understand what his mouth said, but soon gave up. His mouth often said things his brain didn't understand, so why start now? Trump could pretend he was using some kind of metaphor because that always led to a good outcome, but Trump was not someone to take the easy way out. No, unlike the media, he would do the right thing and just ignore some of the things he just said.

             “ …...and some, I assume, are good people.”, he finished strongly with his least offensive statement. Trump knew many hispanic people that could probably be classified as good. He had learned that some of his cleaning staff were from Honduras and that may be part of Mexico. He wished he could have ended the speech in a stronger way, but the rest of it had such strong facts, he didn't want to end it with something he couldn't back up.

           Trump knew then that no one could find anything to disagree with in his statement. And more importantly if the speech caused any problems, he could always just sue them for ridiculous amounts of money, which would make him look like a strong leader. And not just a petty child.  

Baby Or Crackhead???

Baby Or Crackhead??

We've all been there. You hear screaming at 2 AM and  don't know if it's a baby or a crackhead. Used to be you had to take a chance on cuddling pantless Joe back to sleep or screaming at a newborn to get a job. But now there is a better way. Just consult this handy chart and answer the toughest question of our day, baby or crackhead?

	Baby	Crackhead
Lack teeth	X	X
Scream often	X	X
Don't think multiple blackouts should lead to lifestyle changes	X	X
Often Vomit without warning	X	X
The elderly like to pinch their cheeks	X
Belive Bill Cosby		X
Can fall asleep on a bench	X	X
Pee whenever they want	X	X
Star in popular YouTube fighting videos	X	X
Are often imported from China	X
Clothes rarely fit	X	X
Cant answer simple questions such who the president is	X	X
Think Yo Gabba Gabba is the story of their lives	X	X
Are not the first ones to wear their clothes	X	X
Shouldn't be given a flamethrower	X	X
Often appear in horror movies	X	X
Try to catch pigeons for food	X	X
Should be discouraged from juggling chainsaws	X	X
Setting then on fire triggers a 250 fine		X
Doesn't show the proper respect to Ruby Tuesday	X	X
Can't defeat even small ninjas	X	X
Doesn't mind eating at Arby's	X	X

Wasn't that helpful? Come back next week so I can show you how to tell the difference between a rabid bear and a teenage girl. 

Santa wish list after looking at his place in the universe and finishing an entire box of eggnog flavored wine (2014)

Santa wish list after looking at his place in the universe and finishing an entire box of eggnog flavored  wine (2014)

Dear Me:

I want:

For global warming to hurry up

To not have to work the holidays, so I am able to spend time with my family

To just once he played in film or television by a young, sexy Ed Asner type

To not be almost assassinated in a series of movies starring the voice of Buzz Lightyear

To be able to watch The Cosby Show without feeling dirty

For politicians around the world to start working together instead of playing reindeer games

To not get that look from Mrs Claus when I laugh during Bad Santa

To someday live on a planet where every man, woman, and child already had an Elsa doll

To not be accused of making out with anyone’s mom

People to start to realize that a white Christmas and overnight delivery to almost an entire planet is counter productive

Everyone to realize their mom made out with me (women can't resist a 6 pack of muffin top)

To have one Christmas where all the reindeer remember go before we leave the workshop

To not be put in the same category as elderly tooth thief and a chocolate intolerant rodent

Holiday specials that don’t imply that I discriminate against those with flaming facial deformities

To not be constantly shaken until I am covered in jelly

People to acknowledge that a reindeer face on fire would scare them too

People to remember that Santa gets whistled at on the street as well, and that's it's horribly offensive, and unlike others, his are all natural

For everyone to acknowledge screaming that a reindeer is on fire, quick kill it before it multiplies is a rational response

To be called first, if there is every a revival of the Greatest American television show that ever aired…..the one that just ended…..what was the name…...oh, yeah…….Jake and the Fatman

No one to get a hippopotamus present, until they try to lift one

Sincerly,

Santa “Reason for the Season” Claus

PS Also before you judge, just remember, grandma was both drunk and didn't have the right of way

A Very Omen Christmas Letter

One of the Christmas traditions that few use anymore is a Christmas newsletter. Before social media, it was a way for families to communicate what happened the previous year. Here is a Christmas letter from the mother of a very famous little boy. Try not to make yourself feel sad, by comparing your last year to his.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January began as have so many previous years —with a birthday party for our dear angel, Damian. We played pin the tail on the donkey, red rover, Angels versus the Vatican and other popular children's games. Damian was such a lovable scamp, as he slurped down his punch with gusto, saying he was “enjoying the blood of the innocent.” Kids say the darnedest things.

Besides the goody bags, the party ended with an unrelated birthday suicide of one of the help. Let's hope this doesn't become a tradition, as help is so hard to find. The children all received yo-yos. Of course, we took them to the non-corpse wing of the house. Many of them seemed quite pale. Sadly, there was many instances of tears and upset stomachs that I can only attribute to having too much cake. The coroner said that the body showed no signs of foul play. He then turned to our little child and nervously said “Right boy.” It warms my heart to see an elderly gentleman take such care in calming a child's fears. Hopefully we will have a chance to see him again to thank him.

School was back in full swing by February. Damian is getting into quite the bit of mischief. Hopefully the local squirrels have gotten the message at this point. He keeps trying to get us to take him to the local mortuary for a field trip. Our little scientist. I believe the new nanny is exactly what he needs. She said she was “hanging around” for awhile and was excited when the agency contacted her. She was so excited I forgot to mention, I didn't remember contacting the agency. I could tell she understood children when she showed up with Rottweiler. I apologize as I am sure that the next few months will not be so dramatic.

As I look back on March, I see that the old saying is correct. It did indeed come in like a lion and go out with a baboon attack. Before the monkey rampage, I have to describe how cute Damian was acting in church. I was teasing him playing saying the power of Christ compelled him. He told me I could do something unseemly with a crucifix. (Probably copied from some cartoon. Some one should look into what is played on Saturday mornings. Too many are focused on selling toys.)People looked at us askew when we brought Damian into the church, but I remember not seeing the value of church when I was younger. So what if I never used it as an excuse to draw blood. Doesn't mean I didn't want to?

Did I mention the baboons? You read about monkey attacks on the news all the time, but you never think it will happen to you. In a zoo of all places. Is it expecting too much to expect animals to be civilized? Always running around naked as if that impressed anyone. I'd seen quite enough, even before they started attacking my wittle darling. They must have smelled the bacon he had a week ago. Luckily he was able to be pulled out before he became another statistic.

April showers bring May flowers. They also seem to bring lightening storms that appear to mostly kill those on my property who have had conversations with my husband. I haven’t been able to eavesdrop easily on these conversation, but was able to make up that my son was refereed to as a possible something Christ. Probably means something good. He has taken to killing whatever animals come on to the property to protect us. Bless his heart.

June brought a meeting with Damian’s teachers. Teachers are the backbone of this country and need our understanding for the difficult jobs they do. That is why I can’t just blame them for the incompetence that I have seen today. The other children’s parents deserve some blame as well. The words they used to describe my little angel. “Slightly unruly”, “sometimes needs help”, “does not always say thank you”, were just some of the vulgar slurs used to malign him. One of the other students cannot eat peanuts, which causes much disruption, but there is no dark mark against him. The primary “problem” with Damian appears to be screaming fits which last for hours. My suggestion of “well, then just give him what he wants”, was greeted with unkind looks. That teacher’s union always protects the wrong kind.

July and August are more of a blur because of the fainting spells. Fainting of course means I’m pregnant. I refuse to go to the doctor of course, because I don’t want my baby given the vaccine that causes autism. Damian has never been to a doctor and he is the picture of health. The herbs from the garden that I rub on him daily keep the rabies and lock jaw at bay. Don’t tell me I don’t understand science.

September was when we told Damian about the good news. As you can expect, he took it well. He first broke all his toys into two pieces. This, of course, was so he could share all them with his new sibling. He also said he would “rather die first”, which I took to mean that he couldn't imagine a world without his brother. I’m sure he will be a huge help.

By October, we were forced to face the facts: Dirty dishes don’t wash themselves. We had hoped that Daman’s nanny would be able to pitch in, but she is from the old country. She keeps saying he needs to be watched carefully and be prepared for the day he will rule us all. Must be a saying from her home country. Both she and Damian are excited for Halloween. I’m not sure he should be wearing a bloody devil’s face that he says is his real face, but I can still remember the year my mother said I couldn't go as a fairy because they weren't real. This feels like a completely similar situation, and I’m sure I am making the right choice.

November began with a bit of sadness as Damian’s soccer team didn't make the playoffs. All people want to talk about is the opposing team’s coach death under mysterious circumstances. Some people can’t see the forest for the trees. Also, I lost the baby. I tripped over Damian’s tricycle. Well, I mean he was riding it at the time. Riding it at me screaming, “I am the devil and you and the baby must die”. I’m not sure what he meant by that. Probably a metaphor of some sort.  

Looking back this has been our year. Perfect in every way. I’m sending this out before the first of December, so I can be sure you will get it. I can’t wait for next year as it should be full of even more positive events. There is no way anything can go wrong. It appears that Damian has prepared me a nice, calming, warm, bathtub filled with gasoline. Whatever did I do to deserve such a caring child?

Sincerely,

Katherine Jennings

Mother of Damian “the world’s greatest angel”

Taylor Swift: History's Greatest Monster Or Tragic Example of a Girl without A Soul

Taylor Swift: History’s Greatest Monster Or Tragic Example of a Girl without A Soul? By Tugg Tillman, Esquire President of the History Department of Princeton City College And Chief Historical correspondent for Tiger Beat

Throughout history mankind has become known for it’s inhumanity to other man. Many have been maligned with the slur of worst human being ever. Many have maligned this very publication trying to erase from history the firsts that Tiger Beat has brought. First story to use a telegraph to describe a boy taking his shirt off. First picture of a steam powered locomotive with a boy taking his shirt off. First recorded telephone conversation between two people in two separate states describing a boy taking his shirt off. First on the scene with the horrible Hindenburg explosion as told by a boy without a shirt. And of course, who can forget, the Pulitzer prize winning story Profiles in Courage: Holocaust Victims with no shirts.

But this essay is not about shirtless boys. It is not about a boy at all. It will answer the most important question of our day. The one asked by presidents and popes, princes and paupers. I will use deep scholarly analysis to reveal for the first time, how deep Ms. Swift’s evil goes. Is she as horrible as history’s greatest monsters or just a dead inside Jezebel who would have been rightfully stoned to death if we were lucky enough to live in the middle ages ? These handy chart will allow you to draw your own scientific conclusions.

Adolf Hitler VS Taylor Swift

Tried to wipe out an entire race of people

Hitler: Yes

Swift: No

Caused Millions of Deaths

Hitler: Yes

Swift: Probably Not

Broke up with Joe Jonas

Hitler: No

Swift: Yes

Caused at least 10,000 gay males to die in concentration camps

Hitler: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Received Grammy awards for ripping still beating hearts from those who only wanted to treat her with respect

Hitler: Of Course, not.

Swift: Yes

Worst Monster: Swift

While killing millions is not something to be rewarded, the real Holocaust is how Swift treated Jonas. And while Hitler’s crimes are well documented due to historical records, how much do we really know of how Swift spends her off time? Someone who can look away from the perfectly blue oceans that are Joe’s eyes, could be capable of anything. Either way it’s time we move on to a more legitimate comparison.

Joseph Stalin VS Taylor Swift

Imprisoned millions in labor camps

Stalin: Yes

Swift: No

Ordered hundreds of thousands to be executed

Stalin: No

Swift: No (that we know of)

Kicked Taylor Lautner to the curb

Stalin: No, what kind of monster do you think he was?

Swift: Yes

Tried to make a deal with Hitler to look the other way

Stalin: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Worst Monster: Swift

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. But imagine if you were running your own country. Wouldn’t your first act be covering the streets with the blood of your enemies? Stalin literally waited years before that happened. Now try to imagine dumping Taylor Launter. That denial of legitimate human impulses shows us the only rational response to who is the bigger monster. But what you ask about a more appropriate contemporary comparison. Coming right up.

Jeffrey Dahmer VS Taylor Swift

Killed 17 people

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: No

Owned a dungeon

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: No (at least at the time of this writing)

Ate People

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Stabbed one person from the Glee in the back and then dated another person from Glee

Dahmer: *No

Swift: Does a duck whore in the woods? Yes. Yes, she does.

*Beaten to death 15 years before Glee premiered

Also, broke up with Zac Efron

Dahmer: No

Swift: Yes

Bigger Monster: Swift

This may seem questionable, until you examine all the facts. Eating people may seem gross, but some native American tribes did it, and now they own casinos. Plus who hasn’t eaten something a wee bit questionable? Do anyone really know what are in those South Beach diet packs. And if someone doesn’t own a sex dungeon then what’s the point of getting to know them. Once again the postulates prove the theorem, that trying to come between the glee guys is the greatest crime of all. Which brings us to the final chart which could be the closest yet for Swift as she faces her closest challenge.

Shirts VS Swift

Cover up boys

Shirts: Yes

Swift: Not unless she’s too close when we cut her out of the picture

Can collect guy’s sweat

Shirts: Yes

Swift: Not unless she never showers which she probably does (Editor’s note: Don’t assume anything until you have all the facts.)

Wrote an entire album about Jake Gyllenhaal because she couldn’t handle his boyish yet rugged good looks and was trying to ruin it for everyone

Shirts: No , although it would be impressive if a shirt wrote any song at all, as it is an inanimate object

Swift: Yes

Is probably working it’s way through One Direction

Shirts: Maybe, who knows, the guys could wear each others shirts, Never been jealous of a shirt in the life

Swift: Probably, I mean slow down girl, even the village bicycle occasionally needed to stop for maintenance

Worst monster: Tie

While it would seem from the list, that shirts would seem the lesser of two evils, in my travels I have seen too many hot guys who continue to wear them. But I never run into Swift probably because she is usually working in the dark at the docks like the rest of her brethren. Thus, the unbiased answer to this question to too close to call.

Conclusion

Once Tiger Beat’s mission to destroy all the shirts that hot guys will ever own is complete then Swift will unequivocally be history’s worst monster. Using ancient writings can show us the patterns of history and show us the future. Today we learned that Taylor Swift will continue to give male celebrities every single nasty STD imaginable for years to come.

Next issue: Using the secret history of Francis Scott Key’s Star Spangled Banner to prove how every non-threatening boy’s song is actually being sung only to you.

Vampire Movie Review: Godzilla (2014)

Vampire Movie Review: Godzilla (2014)

Vampire Greg (not his real name, it’s actually vampire Steve) has lived for almost a 1,000 years. He likes humans who stay off his lawn, and movies. Well, sometimes. In theory anyway. Here is his review.

Godzilla (2014)

Godzilla movies have existed for 50 years. In that time special effects have improved, but one fact remains. People who go to a Godzilla movie hate seeing Godzilla. They really want to see annoying humans. This must be why the newest Godzilla movie is so scared of showing you Godzilla.

For the first 50 minutes, or almost half the running time, I was wondering if we would even see Godzilla at all. For the first twenty minutes I was excited. When we will see Godzilla. Then I became annoyed. Are we never going to see Godzilla? Then it became thrilling in a weird way. Would this be the first Godzilla movie to have exactly zero percent Godzilla? That’s ballsy. Did M Night Shamalyn direct this movie? Because that’s a twist. Would the boring nondescript white dude hero pull off his face and reveal he was Godzilla the whole time? Despite the movie being amazingly boring, I was on the edge of my seat. Then 57 minutes in, Godzilla makes his appearance. He is on screen for almost three minutes.

Quick, the star of the movie is on screen. Abort. Cut away. Show something else. Cut to a child watching the news, as all children do. (In a way this is the movie’s most powerful special effect as we see a child allow CNN to be on a television in front of him, and no one gets murdered. CGI has clearly come a long way.) Then cut away from that.

I get that Godzilla can’t be on screen 100% of the time. But if he can’t spend all his time squishing main characters than maybe they should not be all annoying. Maybe your main character shouldn’t be the dick that didn’t believe in his father. Maybe have scientists that don’t just spout exposition. Have a guy that doesn’t understand more just because he’s Asian. Don’t kill Bryan Cranston to replace him with lesser actors. Also you may want to update the plot.

Now stop me if this revelation blows your mind. The main military guy wants to use nukes on the monsters. Even though one of the exposition characters warns him that the radiation may make the monster stronger. His response is that he has to do something. As if he could just clasp his hands behind him afterwords and say, well I made the situation worse, but at least I did something. Just like every military person in every monster movie ever.

The reason we have to stop these monster is even stranger. The new monsters are mates and we have to stop them from making babies. And they say romantic comedies have run out of ideas. I think we all know that the biggest problem with Godzilla movies is that there is no part for Kathleen Heigel to play. Is this just a remake of Bride Wars? Can a man and a woman monster be just friends? I don’t mind so much if you get some chocolate (27 dresses) in my peanut butter (monster movie). But I do mind if you think to add acid instead. (Plus I’m a little ticked that they didn’t use the tag line: “If they fuck, we’re fucked.”)

I understand that I only see children as appetizers, who are not worth buying either a van or candy for. However I understand from watching the news that some people get upset when innocent children get bombed. (I lost my humanity a long time ago, but isn’t it odd that they have to specify that innocent children get bombed. Does anyone think, “Yeah, we took out those guilty children. They blowed up real good.”) It does however seem like overkill to have not one, but two scenes of children in jeopardy. One of the children we just meet seconds before they are threatened. He then disappears from the movie just as fast he appears.

The other child is surrounded by a bunch of children that are never given names. We are supposed to care about him because he is related to the hero of the movie. The only people were are supposed to care about are related, and that’s supposed to be the reason we care. If Sophie’s choice involved a child she’d never met it would barely be a pamphlet, let along a novel. No one has ever said “I can’t come in to work today because someone I barely knows dad has died, and I need to cry.” But the makers of this movie think that is powerful enough.

Many of these issues probably sound like nit picking. I know it’s a movie about a make believe giant lizard. Like the saying says, I’m just a simple vampire. But when my mind has nothing else to occupy it, this is what happens.

Agree? Disagree? Have any movies you want reviewed in the future? Comment below. 

Vampire movie Review: Jaws

Vampire Greg (not his real name, it’s actually vampire Steve) has lived for almost a 1,000 years. He likes humans who stay off his lawn, and movies. Well, sometimes. Here is his review.

Jaws

Imagine you walk into your favorite subway sandwich shop. You are trying to decide which five dollar foot long you want to buy. Then out of nowhere, people began screaming and forcing you to explode. Would your killers be hailed as national heroes? Or would they be scorned like the crazy blood crazed killers that they are? Bruce, the poor shark in this “humans are awesome” propaganda deserved better.

A shark’s job is to eat. It eats so that it won’t die unlike you humans who would brush your teeth with rancid bacon if you could. He’s like a version of those big stomached African kids that Sally Struthers is always stealing food from. For less that the price of a cup of coffee (although not one from Starbucks), you could probably kill one of those children for eating something inappropriate too. Doesn’t make it right.

I understand you humans have a obesity problems. It’s rare, eating one of you that doesn’t taste like grease. But this version of scared straight is a little too subtle to be effective. Even if the first thing you saw when you walked into Cheesecake Factory was a mass of exploded people, you’d just push their bloated corpses, to get a year’s supply of calories down your gullet. With a diet Coke because you don’t want to overdue it. I’m amazed that any of you can fit through non-buttered doors. But the shark is the “disgusting” animals.

The shark is horrible because of all the innocent victims, you say. What innocent victims? Were they attacked in their homes? At church? (Although if you believe God doesn’t want gays to share health insurance, but is okay with body parts being pulled apart, maybe you are not praying at the right place.) Killed some place where they have to go? No, it’s the ocean. A place where left to their devices all humans would eventually drown. But it’s the shark, that won’t listen to reason.

Now, I may be exaggerating. A bit. I think we can all come together and decide that even though it would be cool to watch Subway Jared explode, eating should not get you killed. Especially sea food. Ask a friend. Ask a neighbor. Do we really want to close the beaches of our hearts? No, animal is disgusting or unnatural. Unless of course it’s a vegan.

Agree? Disagree? Have any movies you want reviewed in the future? Comment below. 

Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

Being camp counselors, Jacob and Elisa knew that the first thing they needed to do when news reached about a killer maniac in the area, was to have intercourse as soon as possible. It was fairly uneventful as these things go. A grunt here. A guess which body part I’ve touching now there. No sharing of information. Jacob had learned his lesson last time. This would not be another talking merit badges after the prom fiasco.

No, it was only after the climax that things became a bit more unconventional. Right around the time, he catapulted her into the air while tastefully screaming the word, “whore”.

This declaration was followed by quickly sliding open the barn door and Jacob screaming at the top of his lungs, “Monster! There’s a whore in her. I found the WHORE.”

Elisa quickly dragged him back to the hay bale, clasping her hands over his mouth.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are a whore and serial killers kill whores. Have you never seen a movie?”

“And I’m a whore because?”

“You had sex.”

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t just fuck myself.”

“And?”

“How come you’re not a whore?”

“Like men can be whores. Do you not understand how ridiculous you sound right now? ”

She could only stare.

“I mean you seduced me.”

“I kissed you because you looked sad. I didn’t exactly roofie you.”

“You probably enjoyed it.”

“Would you rather I didn’t? Not sure that would reflect well on you.”

“Women are biologically incapable of enjoying sex. The only reason they do it is to have babies. You should be ashamed.”

“Ashamed?”

“Trying to raise a child in this environment. There’s a crazed killer running around. I’d like to see you child safe that.”

“I’m starting to think I made a mistake.”

“Unless you have no soul. Making you an evil whore who needs to be destroyed.”

“I’m starting to think you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I feel for you. Your whore heart just can’t feel human emotion.”

“Whores charge money. I haven’t….”

“I didn’t make these rules. I suffer for it as well.”

“I find that hard…”

“I wanted to play the oboe.”

“You think it’s okay that I get violently slaughtered, but it’s a tragedy that you can’t be in the marching band?”

“It’s a beautiful instrument.”

“Are you secretly working for death because you are making a very good case for it.”

It was then that the door flung open. Elisa with her head up high. Him hiding under the hay.

“Hey guys.” Keith, another counselor announced as he opened the barn door. “They caught that masked killer. The rest of us were going to Arby’s to celebrate. Didn’t know if you want to come?”

It was then that Keith noticed the rips in their clothes as well as Jacob wearing her bra.

“I’ll just give you guys a minute.”, he said slowly closing the barn door door and taking one last peek before shutting it completely.

Their eyes met and Jacob said the only sentence that could explain the moments they had just experienced. Boiling down the essence of mankind in a way Shakespeare’s ghost would have been jealous he didn’t think of himself.

“So. You want to go again.”

Her hand wanted to punch out all his teeth and force them down his throat until he gagged on them. Slowly cutting his insides to pieces. Make his last words choked out through blood gurgles that he made a mistake and that he would spend the after life in hell crying over his mistreatment of her. What human being would ever take him up on his offer after how she had been treated. However, her other option was Arby’s.

It should surprise no one that she started kissing back.

Like this story? Hate it with the power of a thousand sons? Have any other movie tropes that wouldn’t work in real life? Comment below. It’s the only way I’ll learn.