Santa wish list after looking at his place in the universe and finishing an entire box of eggnog flavored wine (2014)

Santa wish list after looking at his place in the universe and finishing an entire box of eggnog flavored  wine (2014)

Dear Me:

I want:

For global warming to hurry up

To not have to work the holidays, so I am able to spend time with my family

To just once he played in film or television by a young, sexy Ed Asner type

To not be almost assassinated in a series of movies starring the voice of Buzz Lightyear

To be able to watch The Cosby Show without feeling dirty

For politicians around the world to start working together instead of playing reindeer games

To not get that look from Mrs Claus when I laugh during Bad Santa

To someday live on a planet where every man, woman, and child already had an Elsa doll

To not be accused of making out with anyone’s mom

People to start to realize that a white Christmas and overnight delivery to almost an entire planet is counter productive

Everyone to realize their mom made out with me (women can't resist a 6 pack of muffin top)

To have one Christmas where all the reindeer remember go before we leave the workshop

To not be put in the same category as elderly tooth thief and a chocolate intolerant rodent

Holiday specials that don’t imply that I discriminate against those with flaming facial deformities

To not be constantly shaken until I am covered in jelly

People to acknowledge that a reindeer face on fire would scare them too

People to remember that Santa gets whistled at on the street as well, and that's it's horribly offensive, and unlike others, his are all natural

For everyone to acknowledge screaming that a reindeer is on fire, quick kill it before it multiplies is a rational response

To be called first, if there is every a revival of the Greatest American television show that ever aired…..the one that just ended…..what was the name…...oh, yeah…….Jake and the Fatman

No one to get a hippopotamus present, until they try to lift one

Sincerly,

Santa “Reason for the Season” Claus

PS Also before you judge, just remember, grandma was both drunk and didn't have the right of way