Taylor Swift: History's Greatest Monster Or Tragic Example of a Girl without A Soul

Taylor Swift: History’s Greatest Monster Or Tragic Example of a Girl without A Soul? By Tugg Tillman, Esquire President of the History Department of Princeton City College And Chief Historical correspondent for Tiger Beat

Throughout history mankind has become known for it’s inhumanity to other man. Many have been maligned with the slur of worst human being ever. Many have maligned this very publication trying to erase from history the firsts that Tiger Beat has brought. First story to use a telegraph to describe a boy taking his shirt off. First picture of a steam powered locomotive with a boy taking his shirt off. First recorded telephone conversation between two people in two separate states describing a boy taking his shirt off. First on the scene with the horrible Hindenburg explosion as told by a boy without a shirt. And of course, who can forget, the Pulitzer prize winning story Profiles in Courage: Holocaust Victims with no shirts.

But this essay is not about shirtless boys. It is not about a boy at all. It will answer the most important question of our day. The one asked by presidents and popes, princes and paupers. I will use deep scholarly analysis to reveal for the first time, how deep Ms. Swift’s evil goes. Is she as horrible as history’s greatest monsters or just a dead inside Jezebel who would have been rightfully stoned to death if we were lucky enough to live in the middle ages ? These handy chart will allow you to draw your own scientific conclusions.

Adolf Hitler VS Taylor Swift

Tried to wipe out an entire race of people

Hitler: Yes

Swift: No

Caused Millions of Deaths

Hitler: Yes

Swift: Probably Not

Broke up with Joe Jonas

Hitler: No

Swift: Yes

Caused at least 10,000 gay males to die in concentration camps

Hitler: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Received Grammy awards for ripping still beating hearts from those who only wanted to treat her with respect

Hitler: Of Course, not.

Swift: Yes

Worst Monster: Swift

While killing millions is not something to be rewarded, the real Holocaust is how Swift treated Jonas. And while Hitler’s crimes are well documented due to historical records, how much do we really know of how Swift spends her off time? Someone who can look away from the perfectly blue oceans that are Joe’s eyes, could be capable of anything. Either way it’s time we move on to a more legitimate comparison.

Joseph Stalin VS Taylor Swift

Imprisoned millions in labor camps

Stalin: Yes

Swift: No

Ordered hundreds of thousands to be executed

Stalin: No

Swift: No (that we know of)

Kicked Taylor Lautner to the curb

Stalin: No, what kind of monster do you think he was?

Swift: Yes

Tried to make a deal with Hitler to look the other way

Stalin: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Worst Monster: Swift

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. But imagine if you were running your own country. Wouldn’t your first act be covering the streets with the blood of your enemies? Stalin literally waited years before that happened. Now try to imagine dumping Taylor Launter. That denial of legitimate human impulses shows us the only rational response to who is the bigger monster. But what you ask about a more appropriate contemporary comparison. Coming right up.

Jeffrey Dahmer VS Taylor Swift

Killed 17 people

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: No

Owned a dungeon

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: No (at least at the time of this writing)

Ate People

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Stabbed one person from the Glee in the back and then dated another person from Glee

Dahmer: *No

Swift: Does a duck whore in the woods? Yes. Yes, she does.

*Beaten to death 15 years before Glee premiered

Also, broke up with Zac Efron

Dahmer: No

Swift: Yes

Bigger Monster: Swift

This may seem questionable, until you examine all the facts. Eating people may seem gross, but some native American tribes did it, and now they own casinos. Plus who hasn’t eaten something a wee bit questionable? Do anyone really know what are in those South Beach diet packs. And if someone doesn’t own a sex dungeon then what’s the point of getting to know them. Once again the postulates prove the theorem, that trying to come between the glee guys is the greatest crime of all. Which brings us to the final chart which could be the closest yet for Swift as she faces her closest challenge.

Shirts VS Swift

Cover up boys

Shirts: Yes

Swift: Not unless she’s too close when we cut her out of the picture

Can collect guy’s sweat

Shirts: Yes

Swift: Not unless she never showers which she probably does (Editor’s note: Don’t assume anything until you have all the facts.)

Wrote an entire album about Jake Gyllenhaal because she couldn’t handle his boyish yet rugged good looks and was trying to ruin it for everyone

Shirts: No , although it would be impressive if a shirt wrote any song at all, as it is an inanimate object

Swift: Yes

Is probably working it’s way through One Direction

Shirts: Maybe, who knows, the guys could wear each others shirts, Never been jealous of a shirt in the life

Swift: Probably, I mean slow down girl, even the village bicycle occasionally needed to stop for maintenance

Worst monster: Tie

While it would seem from the list, that shirts would seem the lesser of two evils, in my travels I have seen too many hot guys who continue to wear them. But I never run into Swift probably because she is usually working in the dark at the docks like the rest of her brethren. Thus, the unbiased answer to this question to too close to call.

Conclusion

Once Tiger Beat’s mission to destroy all the shirts that hot guys will ever own is complete then Swift will unequivocally be history’s worst monster. Using ancient writings can show us the patterns of history and show us the future. Today we learned that Taylor Swift will continue to give male celebrities every single nasty STD imaginable for years to come.

Next issue: Using the secret history of Francis Scott Key’s Star Spangled Banner to prove how every non-threatening boy’s song is actually being sung only to you.