Vampire movie Review: Jaws

Vampire Greg (not his real name, it’s actually vampire Steve) has lived for almost a 1,000 years. He likes humans who stay off his lawn, and movies. Well, sometimes. Here is his review.

Jaws

Imagine you walk into your favorite subway sandwich shop. You are trying to decide which five dollar foot long you want to buy. Then out of nowhere, people began screaming and forcing you to explode. Would your killers be hailed as national heroes? Or would they be scorned like the crazy blood crazed killers that they are? Bruce, the poor shark in this “humans are awesome” propaganda deserved better.

A shark’s job is to eat. It eats so that it won’t die unlike you humans who would brush your teeth with rancid bacon if you could. He’s like a version of those big stomached African kids that Sally Struthers is always stealing food from. For less that the price of a cup of coffee (although not one from Starbucks), you could probably kill one of those children for eating something inappropriate too. Doesn’t make it right.

I understand you humans have a obesity problems. It’s rare, eating one of you that doesn’t taste like grease. But this version of scared straight is a little too subtle to be effective. Even if the first thing you saw when you walked into Cheesecake Factory was a mass of exploded people, you’d just push their bloated corpses, to get a year’s supply of calories down your gullet. With a diet Coke because you don’t want to overdue it. I’m amazed that any of you can fit through non-buttered doors. But the shark is the “disgusting” animals.

The shark is horrible because of all the innocent victims, you say. What innocent victims? Were they attacked in their homes? At church? (Although if you believe God doesn’t want gays to share health insurance, but is okay with body parts being pulled apart, maybe you are not praying at the right place.) Killed some place where they have to go? No, it’s the ocean. A place where left to their devices all humans would eventually drown. But it’s the shark, that won’t listen to reason.

Now, I may be exaggerating. A bit. I think we can all come together and decide that even though it would be cool to watch Subway Jared explode, eating should not get you killed. Especially sea food. Ask a friend. Ask a neighbor. Do we really want to close the beaches of our hearts? No, animal is disgusting or unnatural. Unless of course it’s a vegan.

Agree? Disagree? Have any movies you want reviewed in the future? Comment below.