Girls....busted

Girls......Busted

By

An Anonymous Man

             I'm here to talk to one of the most important issues of our time. Not ISIS. Not Climate Change. Not gun violence. There is something even more horrifying than all these ideas put together. By the time next year, unless something is done about it, there will be a movie that contains......it's almost too painful to write.....that contains female ghostbusters. This is not a joke. This is important. How can a woman be counted on to shoot a laser when it is her time of the month? This is just science. How am I going to explain to my son that he now might have to work hard and try to instead of having something handed to him because of his gender. How is this a good lesson? How am I expected to get a woman to have sex with me to produce a son if I have to listen to her opinions? These are legitimate problems.

             You may think I am overstating the threat this represents to our nation's children, but just this weak these so called girl.......busters (see what I did there) decided to visit some poor children with cancer. As if these kids had not suffered enough. Some of these kids are not even girls. (I assume. I find it better to have opinions on news stories I haven't read.) Poor kids who were too frightened to run away from this unholy terror. (It should be noted that the bible doesn't mention women ghostbusters. Coincidence?) Forced to choose between having their continuing their life giving treatment and having to look at a female ghostbuster. I know which one I'd choose. To make the suffering end. As any sane person would do.

           I'm not saying that women shouldn't be allowed in movies. (Although one of the female ghostbusters appears to weigh 150 pounds less than me, so she is of course, disgusting to look at.) Women were allowed to have The Hunger Games. And I hear they could be making a Black Widow movie within the next decade. Some movies should be allowed to include a talking woman. I'm not a monster. I don't think all women should be barefoot and pregnant. (They should be allowed shoes and I don't care how radical that sounds.) Without women who would play all the prostitutes and strippers? Who would get killed so that the man can get revenge? Do you really want to live in a world where this doesn't happen?

        Some would say that I'm being overdramatic. That nothing can ruin the original movie. That it won't go to the core of my being when I talk about watching the original and someone says “Oh yeah. That's the one with the dudes in it.” I guess we just can't live in a world where people can't make movies that don't punch an entire gender in the genitals. After next year fully 44% of the ghostbusters will be women. This type of unfair treatment will hurt feminism more than all the women who refuse to sleep with me. Well, I don't want them either. And I'm not going to stop calling my step-dad “Hugh” until he starts drinking like my real dad. I'm not just saying these things to get attention. Hollywood is the one with the real problem.

         Note: This article is a work of satire based on some of the comments people have made about the new female ghostbuster movie. If you find yourself agreeing with the points this author made, please seek professional help. Unless you're Donald Trump. In which case, please stop running for president. The world will thank you.