Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

Being camp counselors, Jacob and Elisa knew that the first thing they needed to do when news reached about a killer maniac in the area, was to have intercourse as soon as possible. It was fairly uneventful as these things go. A grunt here. A guess which body part I’ve touching now there. No sharing of information. Jacob had learned his lesson last time. This would not be another talking merit badges after the prom fiasco.

No, it was only after the climax that things became a bit more unconventional. Right around the time, he catapulted her into the air while tastefully screaming the word, “whore”.

This declaration was followed by quickly sliding open the barn door and Jacob screaming at the top of his lungs, “Monster! There’s a whore in her. I found the WHORE.”

Elisa quickly dragged him back to the hay bale, clasping her hands over his mouth.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are a whore and serial killers kill whores. Have you never seen a movie?”

“And I’m a whore because?”

“You had sex.”

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t just fuck myself.”

“And?”

“How come you’re not a whore?”

“Like men can be whores. Do you not understand how ridiculous you sound right now? ”

She could only stare.

“I mean you seduced me.”

“I kissed you because you looked sad. I didn’t exactly roofie you.”

“You probably enjoyed it.”

“Would you rather I didn’t? Not sure that would reflect well on you.”

“Women are biologically incapable of enjoying sex. The only reason they do it is to have babies. You should be ashamed.”

“Ashamed?”

“Trying to raise a child in this environment. There’s a crazed killer running around. I’d like to see you child safe that.”

“I’m starting to think I made a mistake.”

“Unless you have no soul. Making you an evil whore who needs to be destroyed.”

“I’m starting to think you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I feel for you. Your whore heart just can’t feel human emotion.”

“Whores charge money. I haven’t….”

“I didn’t make these rules. I suffer for it as well.”

“I find that hard…”

“I wanted to play the oboe.”

“You think it’s okay that I get violently slaughtered, but it’s a tragedy that you can’t be in the marching band?”

“It’s a beautiful instrument.”

“Are you secretly working for death because you are making a very good case for it.”

It was then that the door flung open. Elisa with her head up high. Him hiding under the hay.

“Hey guys.” Keith, another counselor announced as he opened the barn door. “They caught that masked killer. The rest of us were going to Arby’s to celebrate. Didn’t know if you want to come?”

It was then that Keith noticed the rips in their clothes as well as Jacob wearing her bra.

“I’ll just give you guys a minute.”, he said slowly closing the barn door door and taking one last peek before shutting it completely.

Their eyes met and Jacob said the only sentence that could explain the moments they had just experienced. Boiling down the essence of mankind in a way Shakespeare’s ghost would have been jealous he didn’t think of himself.

“So. You want to go again.”

Her hand wanted to punch out all his teeth and force them down his throat until he gagged on them. Slowly cutting his insides to pieces. Make his last words choked out through blood gurgles that he made a mistake and that he would spend the after life in hell crying over his mistreatment of her. What human being would ever take him up on his offer after how she had been treated. However, her other option was Arby’s.

It should surprise no one that she started kissing back.

Like this story? Hate it with the power of a thousand sons? Have any other movie tropes that wouldn’t work in real life? Comment below. It’s the only way I’ll learn.