Girls....busted

Girls......Busted

By

An Anonymous Man

             I'm here to talk to one of the most important issues of our time. Not ISIS. Not Climate Change. Not gun violence. There is something even more horrifying than all these ideas put together. By the time next year, unless something is done about it, there will be a movie that contains......it's almost too painful to write.....that contains female ghostbusters. This is not a joke. This is important. How can a woman be counted on to shoot a laser when it is her time of the month? This is just science. How am I going to explain to my son that he now might have to work hard and try to instead of having something handed to him because of his gender. How is this a good lesson? How am I expected to get a woman to have sex with me to produce a son if I have to listen to her opinions? These are legitimate problems.

             You may think I am overstating the threat this represents to our nation's children, but just this weak these so called girl.......busters (see what I did there) decided to visit some poor children with cancer. As if these kids had not suffered enough. Some of these kids are not even girls. (I assume. I find it better to have opinions on news stories I haven't read.) Poor kids who were too frightened to run away from this unholy terror. (It should be noted that the bible doesn't mention women ghostbusters. Coincidence?) Forced to choose between having their continuing their life giving treatment and having to look at a female ghostbuster. I know which one I'd choose. To make the suffering end. As any sane person would do.

           I'm not saying that women shouldn't be allowed in movies. (Although one of the female ghostbusters appears to weigh 150 pounds less than me, so she is of course, disgusting to look at.) Women were allowed to have The Hunger Games. And I hear they could be making a Black Widow movie within the next decade. Some movies should be allowed to include a talking woman. I'm not a monster. I don't think all women should be barefoot and pregnant. (They should be allowed shoes and I don't care how radical that sounds.) Without women who would play all the prostitutes and strippers? Who would get killed so that the man can get revenge? Do you really want to live in a world where this doesn't happen?

        Some would say that I'm being overdramatic. That nothing can ruin the original movie. That it won't go to the core of my being when I talk about watching the original and someone says “Oh yeah. That's the one with the dudes in it.” I guess we just can't live in a world where people can't make movies that don't punch an entire gender in the genitals. After next year fully 44% of the ghostbusters will be women. This type of unfair treatment will hurt feminism more than all the women who refuse to sleep with me. Well, I don't want them either. And I'm not going to stop calling my step-dad “Hugh” until he starts drinking like my real dad. I'm not just saying these things to get attention. Hollywood is the one with the real problem.

         Note: This article is a work of satire based on some of the comments people have made about the new female ghostbuster movie. If you find yourself agreeing with the points this author made, please seek professional help. Unless you're Donald Trump. In which case, please stop running for president. The world will thank you.  

Donald Trump's Misunderstood Call For Tolerance of Mexicans (real life fan fiction)

         Donald Trump's Misunderstood Call For Tolerance of Mexicans (real life fan fiction)

By Randy “Typical Trump Supporter” Rushton

      The last few weeks were difficult for Trump. Speaking to all those people. Being forced to talk about himself. Boasting about his accomplishments. This was not what the Donald was known for. He was such a meek mannered person who was happy when others received the credit. He looked out at the crowd of people, knowing they were ants compared to his God like abilities, and that he would never judge them for their ant behaviors.

          As he stood at the podium, Trump wished he could follow his heart, and open a simple bakery in Maine, but the people needed him. They were calling his name, and some of them had not been paid. He tried not to get to close to them, scared they could become blind by staring right at him. Trump prepared himself to speak reasonably in a measured tone about a non-controversial subject, as he always did. What could go wrong?

        “When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best, They're not sending you”, he began the announcement. This seemed a rational way to start as most comments about a racial group by those outside that racial group are welcomed with open arms. He felt so bad for Mexico. The best people couldn't be there, because they were at the rally. Airtight logic.

        “They're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems.” , he continued, Trump's ocean blue eyes almost filled with perfectly moist tears. Despite what the media may say later, any logical person could tell what he meant. That these Mexicans they had come to America to destroy their problems with the help of Americans. That all Americans must come together to help them become the best people they can be. There was no way to misunderstand this statement.

        “They're bringing drugs,”, Trump continued. This was an important point that was overlooked. We all know that Marijuana will soon be legal and that Americans with it's vast morals would never break the law to grow it. Some cartels have been known to decapitate their enemies just to gain market share. Now, that's a group that understands motivation. None of that weak liberal, everyone gets a trophy line of thinking in those drug organizations. Sounds like something today's kids need more of.

         “They're bringing crime.” Trump coughed as he tried to speak. This caused many people to hear the word crime when he really meant grime. It was well known to educated men like Trump that Mexico wasn't an advanced place like America. Everyone knew Mexicans lived in houses with no floors and didn't know the Earth was round. Trump knew they would have to get slowly used to water coming through pipes. Not to worry. His first act as president would be to get some local witch doctors to bless the magic rods that delivered clean to their huts.

          “They're rapists....” Trump's mouth said. For a few seconds, Trump's brain tried to understand what his mouth said, but soon gave up. His mouth often said things his brain didn't understand, so why start now? Trump could pretend he was using some kind of metaphor because that always led to a good outcome, but Trump was not someone to take the easy way out. No, unlike the media, he would do the right thing and just ignore some of the things he just said.

             “ …...and some, I assume, are good people.”, he finished strongly with his least offensive statement. Trump knew many hispanic people that could probably be classified as good. He had learned that some of his cleaning staff were from Honduras and that may be part of Mexico. He wished he could have ended the speech in a stronger way, but the rest of it had such strong facts, he didn't want to end it with something he couldn't back up.

           Trump knew then that no one could find anything to disagree with in his statement. And more importantly if the speech caused any problems, he could always just sue them for ridiculous amounts of money, which would make him look like a strong leader. And not just a petty child.  

Baby Or Crackhead???

Baby Or Crackhead??

We've all been there. You hear screaming at 2 AM and  don't know if it's a baby or a crackhead. Used to be you had to take a chance on cuddling pantless Joe back to sleep or screaming at a newborn to get a job. But now there is a better way. Just consult this handy chart and answer the toughest question of our day, baby or crackhead?

	Baby	Crackhead
Lack teeth	X	X
Scream often	X	X
Don't think multiple blackouts should lead to lifestyle changes	X	X
Often Vomit without warning	X	X
The elderly like to pinch their cheeks	X
Belive Bill Cosby		X
Can fall asleep on a bench	X	X
Pee whenever they want	X	X
Star in popular YouTube fighting videos	X	X
Are often imported from China	X
Clothes rarely fit	X	X
Cant answer simple questions such who the president is	X	X
Think Yo Gabba Gabba is the story of their lives	X	X
Are not the first ones to wear their clothes	X	X
Shouldn't be given a flamethrower	X	X
Often appear in horror movies	X	X
Try to catch pigeons for food	X	X
Should be discouraged from juggling chainsaws	X	X
Setting then on fire triggers a 250 fine		X
Doesn't show the proper respect to Ruby Tuesday	X	X
Can't defeat even small ninjas	X	X
Doesn't mind eating at Arby's	X	X

Wasn't that helpful? Come back next week so I can show you how to tell the difference between a rabid bear and a teenage girl. 

10 Resolutions Hollywood Should Make in 2015

It’s that time of year again. Time to pretend we are going to exercise or eat right or spend more time with our families. We all know that the next day the stairmaster is going to be collecting dust, all the bags of ho-hos will be gone, and we’ll go back to forgetting our kids’ names. (Hmm, I wann say the fat one is Cindy. Oh wait, that one is the boy.) We also all know it is easier and frankly more psychologically healthy to tell others what they need to do. Therefore, I present a list of 10 resolutions that Hollywood should make in 2015.

Hollywood should:

1. Make More movies That Threaten More World Leaders (Don’t worry, Just the Unstable ones)

People complain all the time about how much tickets cost or about their $28 small bucket of popcorn. You know what no one complains about. Jumping out an airplane. Because people will pay hundreds of dollars to just to laugh in death’s face. If there’s a small chance of death, how many times do you think people will  sit through “Madea Goes To The Middle East”?  Bet the girl at the bank would notice you then. (You know there’s going to have a major overpopulation problem in 9 months because of all the “Interview” babies.) Plus, you get to scream “U-S-A”” at the top of your lungs and who doesn’t look cool doing that.

2. Stop Making So Many Original Movies

Is there anything young people love more than what their parents love? Aren’t teenagers primarily know for respect for their elders? What child would pay to see The Hunger Games, when they could see “Do You Know How Much Marmalade cost when I was your age?” Plus nothing makes old people happier than change.

3. Continue to Employ White People 99% of the time

It has been said that, God only gives you what you can handle. And science tells us that white people can’t handle much. They can’t just make more money,  and find it much easier to get jobs. They also need to star in all movies.  Sure they don’t get beat by police as often, but have you ever seen a white person dance. Or play a sport. (And if you just said “What about hockey?”, you are part of the problem.) They’ll be monorties soon enough. Better let them just have this one. Otherwise we would all drown in a wave of honkey tears. Dirty, dirty, honkey tears.

4. Break books into more parts

Haven’t we all seen movies where it’s too eventful? Movies that are devoid of long stretches where amazingly boring things are happening on screen? Movies that don’t have about 81% filler. How am I supposed to enjoy a movie when I can’t text for twenty minutes at a time? Where I can’t go to the bathroom 8 times without missing anything? Thank God, the Hobbit/Every YA book adaptation are showing Hollywood the way. Causing millions of moviegoers with tears in their eyes to say “ That’s it?” Personally, I can wait for the epic 22 film saga of “Man reads IKEA instructions.”

5. Make a movie where  Liam Neeson punches Johnny Depp while Depp is doing funny voices

Is there anything fresher than Neeson doing the growly voice and punching something? Unless it’s Depp’s insistence on playing every character like Mister Magoo? And after Neeson’s bruised hands have caused Depp’s face to become bloody and Depp’s chipmunk voice has caused Neeson’s ears to bleed, they can look into each other’s eyes and say “Weren’t we both actors, once?” as they slowly pass away with Oscars in their hands.  

6. Make Movies that Respect the levels of attractiveness (unless you’re a fat man)

If there is one thing movies need to keep reminding us, it’s that people only belong together if they are both equally famous or at the very least same level of attractiveness. This is the natural order. Who wants to see a rat with a 3 pack fighting for the love of  gazelle who has the proper amount of work done?  Unless the man is overweight of course. Then he usually has two women fighting over him, whose weight doesn’t add up to his arm. (“She has to vomit if she eats part of a cupcake. He only eats entire cakes. It turns out that sometimes similarities attract.”) This just reflects real life.

7. Plan millions of sequels before the first one comes out

I could never run a movie studio. I have problems deciding what to eat for lunch, and they know how to plan for multiple sequels. So what if everyone hated the original? Never admit defeat. Just add Batman. Or pretend you suddenly care about women. Remember when your mom asked if you would jump off a cliff if everyone else did it? The correct answer is “No that’s crazy. I would never do that.” Unless, someone once made money doing it.

8. Only Reward Serious movies

Remember the last time you laughed so hard you almost had to be hospitalized. How many years has it been? This is obviously hard, but it is more difficult to teach people that slavery is wrong. Or the Holocaust.

9. Never cast elderly (over 35) women in desirable parts

Is there anything sadder than an actress that doesn’t know her golden years start around 33? Like the dog in Old Yeller, they have no idea what’s coming. Asking to be loved. Damn cougars. Who doesn’t want to play the randy grandma? Stop making us remember how much you still turn us on. That’s your fault.

10. Listen to the internet

Anything posted on the internet is true. Who doesn’t go around telling random people to kill themselves. Online message boards are the only place that speak the truth. Listen to them or they will only see your movie three times. Ignore them at your peril. They must never be questioned. Especially if they write lists.

What resolutions do you think Hollywood should make for 2015?

Santa wish list after looking at his place in the universe and finishing an entire box of eggnog flavored wine (2014)

Santa wish list after looking at his place in the universe and finishing an entire box of eggnog flavored  wine (2014)

Dear Me:

I want:

For global warming to hurry up

To not have to work the holidays, so I am able to spend time with my family

To just once he played in film or television by a young, sexy Ed Asner type

To not be almost assassinated in a series of movies starring the voice of Buzz Lightyear

To be able to watch The Cosby Show without feeling dirty

For politicians around the world to start working together instead of playing reindeer games

To not get that look from Mrs Claus when I laugh during Bad Santa

To someday live on a planet where every man, woman, and child already had an Elsa doll

To not be accused of making out with anyone’s mom

People to start to realize that a white Christmas and overnight delivery to almost an entire planet is counter productive

Everyone to realize their mom made out with me (women can't resist a 6 pack of muffin top)

To have one Christmas where all the reindeer remember go before we leave the workshop

To not be put in the same category as elderly tooth thief and a chocolate intolerant rodent

Holiday specials that don’t imply that I discriminate against those with flaming facial deformities

To not be constantly shaken until I am covered in jelly

People to acknowledge that a reindeer face on fire would scare them too

People to remember that Santa gets whistled at on the street as well, and that's it's horribly offensive, and unlike others, his are all natural

For everyone to acknowledge screaming that a reindeer is on fire, quick kill it before it multiplies is a rational response

To be called first, if there is every a revival of the Greatest American television show that ever aired…..the one that just ended…..what was the name…...oh, yeah…….Jake and the Fatman

No one to get a hippopotamus present, until they try to lift one

Sincerly,

Santa “Reason for the Season” Claus

PS Also before you judge, just remember, grandma was both drunk and didn't have the right of way

A Very Omen Christmas Letter

One of the Christmas traditions that few use anymore is a Christmas newsletter. Before social media, it was a way for families to communicate what happened the previous year. Here is a Christmas letter from the mother of a very famous little boy. Try not to make yourself feel sad, by comparing your last year to his.

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January began as have so many previous years —with a birthday party for our dear angel, Damian. We played pin the tail on the donkey, red rover, Angels versus the Vatican and other popular children's games. Damian was such a lovable scamp, as he slurped down his punch with gusto, saying he was “enjoying the blood of the innocent.” Kids say the darnedest things.

Besides the goody bags, the party ended with an unrelated birthday suicide of one of the help. Let's hope this doesn't become a tradition, as help is so hard to find. The children all received yo-yos. Of course, we took them to the non-corpse wing of the house. Many of them seemed quite pale. Sadly, there was many instances of tears and upset stomachs that I can only attribute to having too much cake. The coroner said that the body showed no signs of foul play. He then turned to our little child and nervously said “Right boy.” It warms my heart to see an elderly gentleman take such care in calming a child's fears. Hopefully we will have a chance to see him again to thank him.

School was back in full swing by February. Damian is getting into quite the bit of mischief. Hopefully the local squirrels have gotten the message at this point. He keeps trying to get us to take him to the local mortuary for a field trip. Our little scientist. I believe the new nanny is exactly what he needs. She said she was “hanging around” for awhile and was excited when the agency contacted her. She was so excited I forgot to mention, I didn't remember contacting the agency. I could tell she understood children when she showed up with Rottweiler. I apologize as I am sure that the next few months will not be so dramatic.

As I look back on March, I see that the old saying is correct. It did indeed come in like a lion and go out with a baboon attack. Before the monkey rampage, I have to describe how cute Damian was acting in church. I was teasing him playing saying the power of Christ compelled him. He told me I could do something unseemly with a crucifix. (Probably copied from some cartoon. Some one should look into what is played on Saturday mornings. Too many are focused on selling toys.)People looked at us askew when we brought Damian into the church, but I remember not seeing the value of church when I was younger. So what if I never used it as an excuse to draw blood. Doesn't mean I didn't want to?

Did I mention the baboons? You read about monkey attacks on the news all the time, but you never think it will happen to you. In a zoo of all places. Is it expecting too much to expect animals to be civilized? Always running around naked as if that impressed anyone. I'd seen quite enough, even before they started attacking my wittle darling. They must have smelled the bacon he had a week ago. Luckily he was able to be pulled out before he became another statistic.

April showers bring May flowers. They also seem to bring lightening storms that appear to mostly kill those on my property who have had conversations with my husband. I haven’t been able to eavesdrop easily on these conversation, but was able to make up that my son was refereed to as a possible something Christ. Probably means something good. He has taken to killing whatever animals come on to the property to protect us. Bless his heart.

June brought a meeting with Damian’s teachers. Teachers are the backbone of this country and need our understanding for the difficult jobs they do. That is why I can’t just blame them for the incompetence that I have seen today. The other children’s parents deserve some blame as well. The words they used to describe my little angel. “Slightly unruly”, “sometimes needs help”, “does not always say thank you”, were just some of the vulgar slurs used to malign him. One of the other students cannot eat peanuts, which causes much disruption, but there is no dark mark against him. The primary “problem” with Damian appears to be screaming fits which last for hours. My suggestion of “well, then just give him what he wants”, was greeted with unkind looks. That teacher’s union always protects the wrong kind.

July and August are more of a blur because of the fainting spells. Fainting of course means I’m pregnant. I refuse to go to the doctor of course, because I don’t want my baby given the vaccine that causes autism. Damian has never been to a doctor and he is the picture of health. The herbs from the garden that I rub on him daily keep the rabies and lock jaw at bay. Don’t tell me I don’t understand science.

September was when we told Damian about the good news. As you can expect, he took it well. He first broke all his toys into two pieces. This, of course, was so he could share all them with his new sibling. He also said he would “rather die first”, which I took to mean that he couldn't imagine a world without his brother. I’m sure he will be a huge help.

By October, we were forced to face the facts: Dirty dishes don’t wash themselves. We had hoped that Daman’s nanny would be able to pitch in, but she is from the old country. She keeps saying he needs to be watched carefully and be prepared for the day he will rule us all. Must be a saying from her home country. Both she and Damian are excited for Halloween. I’m not sure he should be wearing a bloody devil’s face that he says is his real face, but I can still remember the year my mother said I couldn't go as a fairy because they weren't real. This feels like a completely similar situation, and I’m sure I am making the right choice.

November began with a bit of sadness as Damian’s soccer team didn't make the playoffs. All people want to talk about is the opposing team’s coach death under mysterious circumstances. Some people can’t see the forest for the trees. Also, I lost the baby. I tripped over Damian’s tricycle. Well, I mean he was riding it at the time. Riding it at me screaming, “I am the devil and you and the baby must die”. I’m not sure what he meant by that. Probably a metaphor of some sort.  

Looking back this has been our year. Perfect in every way. I’m sending this out before the first of December, so I can be sure you will get it. I can’t wait for next year as it should be full of even more positive events. There is no way anything can go wrong. It appears that Damian has prepared me a nice, calming, warm, bathtub filled with gasoline. Whatever did I do to deserve such a caring child?

Sincerely,

Katherine Jennings

Mother of Damian “the world’s greatest angel”

6 Reasons Star Wars is an 80's Teen romantic Comedy

6 Reasons Star Wars is an 80's Teen Romantic Comedy