Girls....busted

Girls......Busted

By

An Anonymous Man

             I'm here to talk to one of the most important issues of our time. Not ISIS. Not Climate Change. Not gun violence. There is something even more horrifying than all these ideas put together. By the time next year, unless something is done about it, there will be a movie that contains......it's almost too painful to write.....that contains female ghostbusters. This is not a joke. This is important. How can a woman be counted on to shoot a laser when it is her time of the month? This is just science. How am I going to explain to my son that he now might have to work hard and try to instead of having something handed to him because of his gender. How is this a good lesson? How am I expected to get a woman to have sex with me to produce a son if I have to listen to her opinions? These are legitimate problems.

             You may think I am overstating the threat this represents to our nation's children, but just this weak these so called girl.......busters (see what I did there) decided to visit some poor children with cancer. As if these kids had not suffered enough. Some of these kids are not even girls. (I assume. I find it better to have opinions on news stories I haven't read.) Poor kids who were too frightened to run away from this unholy terror. (It should be noted that the bible doesn't mention women ghostbusters. Coincidence?) Forced to choose between having their continuing their life giving treatment and having to look at a female ghostbuster. I know which one I'd choose. To make the suffering end. As any sane person would do.

           I'm not saying that women shouldn't be allowed in movies. (Although one of the female ghostbusters appears to weigh 150 pounds less than me, so she is of course, disgusting to look at.) Women were allowed to have The Hunger Games. And I hear they could be making a Black Widow movie within the next decade. Some movies should be allowed to include a talking woman. I'm not a monster. I don't think all women should be barefoot and pregnant. (They should be allowed shoes and I don't care how radical that sounds.) Without women who would play all the prostitutes and strippers? Who would get killed so that the man can get revenge? Do you really want to live in a world where this doesn't happen?

        Some would say that I'm being overdramatic. That nothing can ruin the original movie. That it won't go to the core of my being when I talk about watching the original and someone says “Oh yeah. That's the one with the dudes in it.” I guess we just can't live in a world where people can't make movies that don't punch an entire gender in the genitals. After next year fully 44% of the ghostbusters will be women. This type of unfair treatment will hurt feminism more than all the women who refuse to sleep with me. Well, I don't want them either. And I'm not going to stop calling my step-dad “Hugh” until he starts drinking like my real dad. I'm not just saying these things to get attention. Hollywood is the one with the real problem.

         Note: This article is a work of satire based on some of the comments people have made about the new female ghostbuster movie. If you find yourself agreeing with the points this author made, please seek professional help. Unless you're Donald Trump. In which case, please stop running for president. The world will thank you.  

10 Resolutions Hollywood Should Make in 2015

It’s that time of year again. Time to pretend we are going to exercise or eat right or spend more time with our families. We all know that the next day the stairmaster is going to be collecting dust, all the bags of ho-hos will be gone, and we’ll go back to forgetting our kids’ names. (Hmm, I wann say the fat one is Cindy. Oh wait, that one is the boy.) We also all know it is easier and frankly more psychologically healthy to tell others what they need to do. Therefore, I present a list of 10 resolutions that Hollywood should make in 2015.

Hollywood should:

1. Make More movies That Threaten More World Leaders (Don’t worry, Just the Unstable ones)

People complain all the time about how much tickets cost or about their $28 small bucket of popcorn. You know what no one complains about. Jumping out an airplane. Because people will pay hundreds of dollars to just to laugh in death’s face. If there’s a small chance of death, how many times do you think people will  sit through “Madea Goes To The Middle East”?  Bet the girl at the bank would notice you then. (You know there’s going to have a major overpopulation problem in 9 months because of all the “Interview” babies.) Plus, you get to scream “U-S-A”” at the top of your lungs and who doesn’t look cool doing that.

2. Stop Making So Many Original Movies

Is there anything young people love more than what their parents love? Aren’t teenagers primarily know for respect for their elders? What child would pay to see The Hunger Games, when they could see “Do You Know How Much Marmalade cost when I was your age?” Plus nothing makes old people happier than change.

3. Continue to Employ White People 99% of the time

It has been said that, God only gives you what you can handle. And science tells us that white people can’t handle much. They can’t just make more money,  and find it much easier to get jobs. They also need to star in all movies.  Sure they don’t get beat by police as often, but have you ever seen a white person dance. Or play a sport. (And if you just said “What about hockey?”, you are part of the problem.) They’ll be monorties soon enough. Better let them just have this one. Otherwise we would all drown in a wave of honkey tears. Dirty, dirty, honkey tears.

4. Break books into more parts

Haven’t we all seen movies where it’s too eventful? Movies that are devoid of long stretches where amazingly boring things are happening on screen? Movies that don’t have about 81% filler. How am I supposed to enjoy a movie when I can’t text for twenty minutes at a time? Where I can’t go to the bathroom 8 times without missing anything? Thank God, the Hobbit/Every YA book adaptation are showing Hollywood the way. Causing millions of moviegoers with tears in their eyes to say “ That’s it?” Personally, I can wait for the epic 22 film saga of “Man reads IKEA instructions.”

5. Make a movie where  Liam Neeson punches Johnny Depp while Depp is doing funny voices

Is there anything fresher than Neeson doing the growly voice and punching something? Unless it’s Depp’s insistence on playing every character like Mister Magoo? And after Neeson’s bruised hands have caused Depp’s face to become bloody and Depp’s chipmunk voice has caused Neeson’s ears to bleed, they can look into each other’s eyes and say “Weren’t we both actors, once?” as they slowly pass away with Oscars in their hands.  

6. Make Movies that Respect the levels of attractiveness (unless you’re a fat man)

If there is one thing movies need to keep reminding us, it’s that people only belong together if they are both equally famous or at the very least same level of attractiveness. This is the natural order. Who wants to see a rat with a 3 pack fighting for the love of  gazelle who has the proper amount of work done?  Unless the man is overweight of course. Then he usually has two women fighting over him, whose weight doesn’t add up to his arm. (“She has to vomit if she eats part of a cupcake. He only eats entire cakes. It turns out that sometimes similarities attract.”) This just reflects real life.

7. Plan millions of sequels before the first one comes out

I could never run a movie studio. I have problems deciding what to eat for lunch, and they know how to plan for multiple sequels. So what if everyone hated the original? Never admit defeat. Just add Batman. Or pretend you suddenly care about women. Remember when your mom asked if you would jump off a cliff if everyone else did it? The correct answer is “No that’s crazy. I would never do that.” Unless, someone once made money doing it.

8. Only Reward Serious movies

Remember the last time you laughed so hard you almost had to be hospitalized. How many years has it been? This is obviously hard, but it is more difficult to teach people that slavery is wrong. Or the Holocaust.

9. Never cast elderly (over 35) women in desirable parts

Is there anything sadder than an actress that doesn’t know her golden years start around 33? Like the dog in Old Yeller, they have no idea what’s coming. Asking to be loved. Damn cougars. Who doesn’t want to play the randy grandma? Stop making us remember how much you still turn us on. That’s your fault.

10. Listen to the internet

Anything posted on the internet is true. Who doesn’t go around telling random people to kill themselves. Online message boards are the only place that speak the truth. Listen to them or they will only see your movie three times. Ignore them at your peril. They must never be questioned. Especially if they write lists.

What resolutions do you think Hollywood should make for 2015?