Girls....busted

Girls......Busted

By

An Anonymous Man

             I'm here to talk to one of the most important issues of our time. Not ISIS. Not Climate Change. Not gun violence. There is something even more horrifying than all these ideas put together. By the time next year, unless something is done about it, there will be a movie that contains......it's almost too painful to write.....that contains female ghostbusters. This is not a joke. This is important. How can a woman be counted on to shoot a laser when it is her time of the month? This is just science. How am I going to explain to my son that he now might have to work hard and try to instead of having something handed to him because of his gender. How is this a good lesson? How am I expected to get a woman to have sex with me to produce a son if I have to listen to her opinions? These are legitimate problems.

             You may think I am overstating the threat this represents to our nation's children, but just this weak these so called girl.......busters (see what I did there) decided to visit some poor children with cancer. As if these kids had not suffered enough. Some of these kids are not even girls. (I assume. I find it better to have opinions on news stories I haven't read.) Poor kids who were too frightened to run away from this unholy terror. (It should be noted that the bible doesn't mention women ghostbusters. Coincidence?) Forced to choose between having their continuing their life giving treatment and having to look at a female ghostbuster. I know which one I'd choose. To make the suffering end. As any sane person would do.

           I'm not saying that women shouldn't be allowed in movies. (Although one of the female ghostbusters appears to weigh 150 pounds less than me, so she is of course, disgusting to look at.) Women were allowed to have The Hunger Games. And I hear they could be making a Black Widow movie within the next decade. Some movies should be allowed to include a talking woman. I'm not a monster. I don't think all women should be barefoot and pregnant. (They should be allowed shoes and I don't care how radical that sounds.) Without women who would play all the prostitutes and strippers? Who would get killed so that the man can get revenge? Do you really want to live in a world where this doesn't happen?

        Some would say that I'm being overdramatic. That nothing can ruin the original movie. That it won't go to the core of my being when I talk about watching the original and someone says “Oh yeah. That's the one with the dudes in it.” I guess we just can't live in a world where people can't make movies that don't punch an entire gender in the genitals. After next year fully 44% of the ghostbusters will be women. This type of unfair treatment will hurt feminism more than all the women who refuse to sleep with me. Well, I don't want them either. And I'm not going to stop calling my step-dad “Hugh” until he starts drinking like my real dad. I'm not just saying these things to get attention. Hollywood is the one with the real problem.

         Note: This article is a work of satire based on some of the comments people have made about the new female ghostbuster movie. If you find yourself agreeing with the points this author made, please seek professional help. Unless you're Donald Trump. In which case, please stop running for president. The world will thank you.  

Donald Trump's Misunderstood Call For Tolerance of Mexicans (real life fan fiction)

         Donald Trump's Misunderstood Call For Tolerance of Mexicans (real life fan fiction)

By Randy “Typical Trump Supporter” Rushton

      The last few weeks were difficult for Trump. Speaking to all those people. Being forced to talk about himself. Boasting about his accomplishments. This was not what the Donald was known for. He was such a meek mannered person who was happy when others received the credit. He looked out at the crowd of people, knowing they were ants compared to his God like abilities, and that he would never judge them for their ant behaviors.

          As he stood at the podium, Trump wished he could follow his heart, and open a simple bakery in Maine, but the people needed him. They were calling his name, and some of them had not been paid. He tried not to get to close to them, scared they could become blind by staring right at him. Trump prepared himself to speak reasonably in a measured tone about a non-controversial subject, as he always did. What could go wrong?

        “When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best, They're not sending you”, he began the announcement. This seemed a rational way to start as most comments about a racial group by those outside that racial group are welcomed with open arms. He felt so bad for Mexico. The best people couldn't be there, because they were at the rally. Airtight logic.

        “They're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems.” , he continued, Trump's ocean blue eyes almost filled with perfectly moist tears. Despite what the media may say later, any logical person could tell what he meant. That these Mexicans they had come to America to destroy their problems with the help of Americans. That all Americans must come together to help them become the best people they can be. There was no way to misunderstand this statement.

        “They're bringing drugs,”, Trump continued. This was an important point that was overlooked. We all know that Marijuana will soon be legal and that Americans with it's vast morals would never break the law to grow it. Some cartels have been known to decapitate their enemies just to gain market share. Now, that's a group that understands motivation. None of that weak liberal, everyone gets a trophy line of thinking in those drug organizations. Sounds like something today's kids need more of.

         “They're bringing crime.” Trump coughed as he tried to speak. This caused many people to hear the word crime when he really meant grime. It was well known to educated men like Trump that Mexico wasn't an advanced place like America. Everyone knew Mexicans lived in houses with no floors and didn't know the Earth was round. Trump knew they would have to get slowly used to water coming through pipes. Not to worry. His first act as president would be to get some local witch doctors to bless the magic rods that delivered clean to their huts.

          “They're rapists....” Trump's mouth said. For a few seconds, Trump's brain tried to understand what his mouth said, but soon gave up. His mouth often said things his brain didn't understand, so why start now? Trump could pretend he was using some kind of metaphor because that always led to a good outcome, but Trump was not someone to take the easy way out. No, unlike the media, he would do the right thing and just ignore some of the things he just said.

             “ …...and some, I assume, are good people.”, he finished strongly with his least offensive statement. Trump knew many hispanic people that could probably be classified as good. He had learned that some of his cleaning staff were from Honduras and that may be part of Mexico. He wished he could have ended the speech in a stronger way, but the rest of it had such strong facts, he didn't want to end it with something he couldn't back up.

           Trump knew then that no one could find anything to disagree with in his statement. And more importantly if the speech caused any problems, he could always just sue them for ridiculous amounts of money, which would make him look like a strong leader. And not just a petty child.  

Baby Or Crackhead???

Baby Or Crackhead??

We've all been there. You hear screaming at 2 AM and  don't know if it's a baby or a crackhead. Used to be you had to take a chance on cuddling pantless Joe back to sleep or screaming at a newborn to get a job. But now there is a better way. Just consult this handy chart and answer the toughest question of our day, baby or crackhead?

	Baby	Crackhead
Lack teeth	X	X
Scream often	X	X
Don't think multiple blackouts should lead to lifestyle changes	X	X
Often Vomit without warning	X	X
The elderly like to pinch their cheeks	X
Belive Bill Cosby		X
Can fall asleep on a bench	X	X
Pee whenever they want	X	X
Star in popular YouTube fighting videos	X	X
Are often imported from China	X
Clothes rarely fit	X	X
Cant answer simple questions such who the president is	X	X
Think Yo Gabba Gabba is the story of their lives	X	X
Are not the first ones to wear their clothes	X	X
Shouldn't be given a flamethrower	X	X
Often appear in horror movies	X	X
Try to catch pigeons for food	X	X
Should be discouraged from juggling chainsaws	X	X
Setting then on fire triggers a 250 fine		X
Doesn't show the proper respect to Ruby Tuesday	X	X
Can't defeat even small ninjas	X	X
Doesn't mind eating at Arby's	X	X

Wasn't that helpful? Come back next week so I can show you how to tell the difference between a rabid bear and a teenage girl.