It’s that time of year again. Time to pretend we are going to exercise or eat right or spend more time with our families. We all know that the next day the stairmaster is going to be collecting dust, all the bags of ho-hos will be gone, and we’ll go back to forgetting our kids’ names. (Hmm, I wann say the fat one is Cindy. Oh wait, that one is the boy.) We also all know it is easier and frankly more psychologically healthy to tell others what they need to do. Therefore, I present a list of 10 resolutions that Hollywood should make in 2015.
Hollywood should:
1. Make More movies That Threaten More World Leaders (Don’t worry, Just the Unstable ones)
People complain all the time about how much tickets cost or about their $28 small bucket of popcorn. You know what no one complains about. Jumping out an airplane. Because people will pay hundreds of dollars to just to laugh in death’s face. If there’s a small chance of death, how many times do you think people will sit through “Madea Goes To The Middle East”? Bet the girl at the bank would notice you then. (You know there’s going to have a major overpopulation problem in 9 months because of all the “Interview” babies.) Plus, you get to scream “U-S-A”” at the top of your lungs and who doesn’t look cool doing that.
2. Stop Making So Many Original Movies
Is there anything young people love more than what their parents love? Aren’t teenagers primarily know for respect for their elders? What child would pay to see The Hunger Games, when they could see “Do You Know How Much Marmalade cost when I was your age?” Plus nothing makes old people happier than change.
3. Continue to Employ White People 99% of the time
It has been said that, God only gives you what you can handle. And science tells us that white people can’t handle much. They can’t just make more money, and find it much easier to get jobs. They also need to star in all movies. Sure they don’t get beat by police as often, but have you ever seen a white person dance. Or play a sport. (And if you just said “What about hockey?”, you are part of the problem.) They’ll be monorties soon enough. Better let them just have this one. Otherwise we would all drown in a wave of honkey tears. Dirty, dirty, honkey tears.
4. Break books into more parts
Haven’t we all seen movies where it’s too eventful? Movies that are devoid of long stretches where amazingly boring things are happening on screen? Movies that don’t have about 81% filler. How am I supposed to enjoy a movie when I can’t text for twenty minutes at a time? Where I can’t go to the bathroom 8 times without missing anything? Thank God, the Hobbit/Every YA book adaptation are showing Hollywood the way. Causing millions of moviegoers with tears in their eyes to say “ That’s it?” Personally, I can wait for the epic 22 film saga of “Man reads IKEA instructions.”
5. Make a movie where Liam Neeson punches Johnny Depp while Depp is doing funny voices
Is there anything fresher than Neeson doing the growly voice and punching something? Unless it’s Depp’s insistence on playing every character like Mister Magoo? And after Neeson’s bruised hands have caused Depp’s face to become bloody and Depp’s chipmunk voice has caused Neeson’s ears to bleed, they can look into each other’s eyes and say “Weren’t we both actors, once?” as they slowly pass away with Oscars in their hands.
6. Make Movies that Respect the levels of attractiveness (unless you’re a fat man)
If there is one thing movies need to keep reminding us, it’s that people only belong together if they are both equally famous or at the very least same level of attractiveness. This is the natural order. Who wants to see a rat with a 3 pack fighting for the love of gazelle who has the proper amount of work done? Unless the man is overweight of course. Then he usually has two women fighting over him, whose weight doesn’t add up to his arm. (“She has to vomit if she eats part of a cupcake. He only eats entire cakes. It turns out that sometimes similarities attract.”) This just reflects real life.
7. Plan millions of sequels before the first one comes out
I could never run a movie studio. I have problems deciding what to eat for lunch, and they know how to plan for multiple sequels. So what if everyone hated the original? Never admit defeat. Just add Batman. Or pretend you suddenly care about women. Remember when your mom asked if you would jump off a cliff if everyone else did it? The correct answer is “No that’s crazy. I would never do that.” Unless, someone once made money doing it.
8. Only Reward Serious movies
Remember the last time you laughed so hard you almost had to be hospitalized. How many years has it been? This is obviously hard, but it is more difficult to teach people that slavery is wrong. Or the Holocaust.
9. Never cast elderly (over 35) women in desirable parts
Is there anything sadder than an actress that doesn’t know her golden years start around 33? Like the dog in Old Yeller, they have no idea what’s coming. Asking to be loved. Damn cougars. Who doesn’t want to play the randy grandma? Stop making us remember how much you still turn us on. That’s your fault.
10. Listen to the internet
Anything posted on the internet is true. Who doesn’t go around telling random people to kill themselves. Online message boards are the only place that speak the truth. Listen to them or they will only see your movie three times. Ignore them at your peril. They must never be questioned. Especially if they write lists.
What resolutions do you think Hollywood should make for 2015?
