Girls......Busted
By
An Anonymous Man
I'm here to talk to
one of the most important issues of our time. Not ISIS. Not Climate
Change. Not gun violence. There is something even more horrifying
than all these ideas put together. By the time next year, unless
something is done about it, there will be a movie that
contains......it's almost too painful to write.....that contains
female ghostbusters. This is not a joke. This is important. How can a
woman be counted on to shoot a laser when it is her time of the
month? This is just science. How am I going to explain to my son that
he now might have to work hard and try to instead of having something
handed to him because of his gender. How is this a good lesson? How
am I expected to get a woman to have sex with me to produce a son if
I have to listen to her opinions? These are legitimate problems.
You may think I am
overstating the threat this represents to our nation's children, but
just this weak these so called girl.......busters (see what I did
there) decided to visit some poor children with cancer. As if these
kids had not suffered enough. Some of these kids are not even girls.
(I assume. I find it better to have opinions on news stories I
haven't read.) Poor kids who were too frightened to run away from
this unholy terror. (It should be noted that the bible doesn't
mention women ghostbusters. Coincidence?) Forced to choose between
having their continuing their life giving treatment and having to
look at a female ghostbuster. I know which one I'd choose. To make
the suffering end. As any sane person would do.
I'm not saying that
women shouldn't be allowed in movies. (Although one of the female
ghostbusters appears to weigh 150 pounds less than me, so she is of
course, disgusting to look at.) Women were allowed to have The Hunger
Games. And I hear they could be making a Black Widow movie within the
next decade. Some movies should be allowed to include a talking
woman. I'm not a monster. I don't think all women should be barefoot
and pregnant. (They should be allowed shoes and I don't care how
radical that sounds.) Without women who would play all the
prostitutes and strippers? Who would get killed so that the man can
get revenge? Do you really want to live in a world where this doesn't
happen?
Some would say that
I'm being overdramatic. That nothing can ruin the original movie.
That it won't go to the core of my being when I talk about watching
the original and someone says “Oh yeah. That's the one with the
dudes in it.” I guess we just can't live in a world where people
can't make movies that don't punch an entire gender in the genitals.
After next year fully 44% of the ghostbusters will be women. This
type of unfair treatment will hurt feminism more than all the women
who refuse to sleep with me. Well, I don't want them either. And I'm
not going to stop calling my step-dad “Hugh” until he starts
drinking like my real dad. I'm not just saying these things to get
attention. Hollywood is the one with the real problem.
Note: This article
is a work of satire based on some of the comments people have made
about the new female ghostbuster movie. If you find yourself agreeing
with the points this author made, please seek professional help.
Unless you're Donald Trump. In which case, please stop running for
president. The world will thank you.
