Taylor Swift: History's Greatest Monster Or Tragic Example of a Girl without A Soul

Taylor Swift: History’s Greatest Monster Or Tragic Example of a Girl without A Soul? By Tugg Tillman, Esquire President of the History Department of Princeton City College And Chief Historical correspondent for Tiger Beat

Throughout history mankind has become known for it’s inhumanity to other man. Many have been maligned with the slur of worst human being ever. Many have maligned this very publication trying to erase from history the firsts that Tiger Beat has brought. First story to use a telegraph to describe a boy taking his shirt off. First picture of a steam powered locomotive with a boy taking his shirt off. First recorded telephone conversation between two people in two separate states describing a boy taking his shirt off. First on the scene with the horrible Hindenburg explosion as told by a boy without a shirt. And of course, who can forget, the Pulitzer prize winning story Profiles in Courage: Holocaust Victims with no shirts.

But this essay is not about shirtless boys. It is not about a boy at all. It will answer the most important question of our day. The one asked by presidents and popes, princes and paupers. I will use deep scholarly analysis to reveal for the first time, how deep Ms. Swift’s evil goes. Is she as horrible as history’s greatest monsters or just a dead inside Jezebel who would have been rightfully stoned to death if we were lucky enough to live in the middle ages ? These handy chart will allow you to draw your own scientific conclusions.

Adolf Hitler VS Taylor Swift

Tried to wipe out an entire race of people

Hitler: Yes

Swift: No

Caused Millions of Deaths

Hitler: Yes

Swift: Probably Not

Broke up with Joe Jonas

Hitler: No

Swift: Yes

Caused at least 10,000 gay males to die in concentration camps

Hitler: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Received Grammy awards for ripping still beating hearts from those who only wanted to treat her with respect

Hitler: Of Course, not.

Swift: Yes

Worst Monster: Swift

While killing millions is not something to be rewarded, the real Holocaust is how Swift treated Jonas. And while Hitler’s crimes are well documented due to historical records, how much do we really know of how Swift spends her off time? Someone who can look away from the perfectly blue oceans that are Joe’s eyes, could be capable of anything. Either way it’s time we move on to a more legitimate comparison.

Joseph Stalin VS Taylor Swift

Imprisoned millions in labor camps

Stalin: Yes

Swift: No

Ordered hundreds of thousands to be executed

Stalin: No

Swift: No (that we know of)

Kicked Taylor Lautner to the curb

Stalin: No, what kind of monster do you think he was?

Swift: Yes

Tried to make a deal with Hitler to look the other way

Stalin: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Worst Monster: Swift

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. But imagine if you were running your own country. Wouldn’t your first act be covering the streets with the blood of your enemies? Stalin literally waited years before that happened. Now try to imagine dumping Taylor Launter. That denial of legitimate human impulses shows us the only rational response to who is the bigger monster. But what you ask about a more appropriate contemporary comparison. Coming right up.

Jeffrey Dahmer VS Taylor Swift

Killed 17 people

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: No

Owned a dungeon

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: No (at least at the time of this writing)

Ate People

Dahmer: Yes

Swift: Unknown

Stabbed one person from the Glee in the back and then dated another person from Glee

Dahmer: *No

Swift: Does a duck whore in the woods? Yes. Yes, she does.

*Beaten to death 15 years before Glee premiered

Also, broke up with Zac Efron

Dahmer: No

Swift: Yes

Bigger Monster: Swift

This may seem questionable, until you examine all the facts. Eating people may seem gross, but some native American tribes did it, and now they own casinos. Plus who hasn’t eaten something a wee bit questionable? Do anyone really know what are in those South Beach diet packs. And if someone doesn’t own a sex dungeon then what’s the point of getting to know them. Once again the postulates prove the theorem, that trying to come between the glee guys is the greatest crime of all. Which brings us to the final chart which could be the closest yet for Swift as she faces her closest challenge.

Shirts VS Swift

Cover up boys

Shirts: Yes

Swift: Not unless she’s too close when we cut her out of the picture

Can collect guy’s sweat

Shirts: Yes

Swift: Not unless she never showers which she probably does (Editor’s note: Don’t assume anything until you have all the facts.)

Wrote an entire album about Jake Gyllenhaal because she couldn’t handle his boyish yet rugged good looks and was trying to ruin it for everyone

Shirts: No , although it would be impressive if a shirt wrote any song at all, as it is an inanimate object

Swift: Yes

Is probably working it’s way through One Direction

Shirts: Maybe, who knows, the guys could wear each others shirts, Never been jealous of a shirt in the life

Swift: Probably, I mean slow down girl, even the village bicycle occasionally needed to stop for maintenance

Worst monster: Tie

While it would seem from the list, that shirts would seem the lesser of two evils, in my travels I have seen too many hot guys who continue to wear them. But I never run into Swift probably because she is usually working in the dark at the docks like the rest of her brethren. Thus, the unbiased answer to this question to too close to call.

Conclusion

Once Tiger Beat’s mission to destroy all the shirts that hot guys will ever own is complete then Swift will unequivocally be history’s worst monster. Using ancient writings can show us the patterns of history and show us the future. Today we learned that Taylor Swift will continue to give male celebrities every single nasty STD imaginable for years to come.

Next issue: Using the secret history of Francis Scott Key’s Star Spangled Banner to prove how every non-threatening boy’s song is actually being sung only to you.

Vampire Movie Review: Godzilla (2014)

Vampire Movie Review: Godzilla (2014)

Vampire Greg (not his real name, it’s actually vampire Steve) has lived for almost a 1,000 years. He likes humans who stay off his lawn, and movies. Well, sometimes. In theory anyway. Here is his review.

Godzilla (2014)

Godzilla movies have existed for 50 years. In that time special effects have improved, but one fact remains. People who go to a Godzilla movie hate seeing Godzilla. They really want to see annoying humans. This must be why the newest Godzilla movie is so scared of showing you Godzilla.

For the first 50 minutes, or almost half the running time, I was wondering if we would even see Godzilla at all. For the first twenty minutes I was excited. When we will see Godzilla. Then I became annoyed. Are we never going to see Godzilla? Then it became thrilling in a weird way. Would this be the first Godzilla movie to have exactly zero percent Godzilla? That’s ballsy. Did M Night Shamalyn direct this movie? Because that’s a twist. Would the boring nondescript white dude hero pull off his face and reveal he was Godzilla the whole time? Despite the movie being amazingly boring, I was on the edge of my seat. Then 57 minutes in, Godzilla makes his appearance. He is on screen for almost three minutes.

Quick, the star of the movie is on screen. Abort. Cut away. Show something else. Cut to a child watching the news, as all children do. (In a way this is the movie’s most powerful special effect as we see a child allow CNN to be on a television in front of him, and no one gets murdered. CGI has clearly come a long way.) Then cut away from that.

I get that Godzilla can’t be on screen 100% of the time. But if he can’t spend all his time squishing main characters than maybe they should not be all annoying. Maybe your main character shouldn’t be the dick that didn’t believe in his father. Maybe have scientists that don’t just spout exposition. Have a guy that doesn’t understand more just because he’s Asian. Don’t kill Bryan Cranston to replace him with lesser actors. Also you may want to update the plot.

Now stop me if this revelation blows your mind. The main military guy wants to use nukes on the monsters. Even though one of the exposition characters warns him that the radiation may make the monster stronger. His response is that he has to do something. As if he could just clasp his hands behind him afterwords and say, well I made the situation worse, but at least I did something. Just like every military person in every monster movie ever.

The reason we have to stop these monster is even stranger. The new monsters are mates and we have to stop them from making babies. And they say romantic comedies have run out of ideas. I think we all know that the biggest problem with Godzilla movies is that there is no part for Kathleen Heigel to play. Is this just a remake of Bride Wars? Can a man and a woman monster be just friends? I don’t mind so much if you get some chocolate (27 dresses) in my peanut butter (monster movie). But I do mind if you think to add acid instead. (Plus I’m a little ticked that they didn’t use the tag line: “If they fuck, we’re fucked.”)

I understand that I only see children as appetizers, who are not worth buying either a van or candy for. However I understand from watching the news that some people get upset when innocent children get bombed. (I lost my humanity a long time ago, but isn’t it odd that they have to specify that innocent children get bombed. Does anyone think, “Yeah, we took out those guilty children. They blowed up real good.”) It does however seem like overkill to have not one, but two scenes of children in jeopardy. One of the children we just meet seconds before they are threatened. He then disappears from the movie just as fast he appears.

The other child is surrounded by a bunch of children that are never given names. We are supposed to care about him because he is related to the hero of the movie. The only people were are supposed to care about are related, and that’s supposed to be the reason we care. If Sophie’s choice involved a child she’d never met it would barely be a pamphlet, let along a novel. No one has ever said “I can’t come in to work today because someone I barely knows dad has died, and I need to cry.” But the makers of this movie think that is powerful enough.

Many of these issues probably sound like nit picking. I know it’s a movie about a make believe giant lizard. Like the saying says, I’m just a simple vampire. But when my mind has nothing else to occupy it, this is what happens.

Agree? Disagree? Have any movies you want reviewed in the future? Comment below. 

Vampire movie Review: Jaws

Vampire Greg (not his real name, it’s actually vampire Steve) has lived for almost a 1,000 years. He likes humans who stay off his lawn, and movies. Well, sometimes. Here is his review.

Jaws

Imagine you walk into your favorite subway sandwich shop. You are trying to decide which five dollar foot long you want to buy. Then out of nowhere, people began screaming and forcing you to explode. Would your killers be hailed as national heroes? Or would they be scorned like the crazy blood crazed killers that they are? Bruce, the poor shark in this “humans are awesome” propaganda deserved better.

A shark’s job is to eat. It eats so that it won’t die unlike you humans who would brush your teeth with rancid bacon if you could. He’s like a version of those big stomached African kids that Sally Struthers is always stealing food from. For less that the price of a cup of coffee (although not one from Starbucks), you could probably kill one of those children for eating something inappropriate too. Doesn’t make it right.

I understand you humans have a obesity problems. It’s rare, eating one of you that doesn’t taste like grease. But this version of scared straight is a little too subtle to be effective. Even if the first thing you saw when you walked into Cheesecake Factory was a mass of exploded people, you’d just push their bloated corpses, to get a year’s supply of calories down your gullet. With a diet Coke because you don’t want to overdue it. I’m amazed that any of you can fit through non-buttered doors. But the shark is the “disgusting” animals.

The shark is horrible because of all the innocent victims, you say. What innocent victims? Were they attacked in their homes? At church? (Although if you believe God doesn’t want gays to share health insurance, but is okay with body parts being pulled apart, maybe you are not praying at the right place.) Killed some place where they have to go? No, it’s the ocean. A place where left to their devices all humans would eventually drown. But it’s the shark, that won’t listen to reason.

Now, I may be exaggerating. A bit. I think we can all come together and decide that even though it would be cool to watch Subway Jared explode, eating should not get you killed. Especially sea food. Ask a friend. Ask a neighbor. Do we really want to close the beaches of our hearts? No, animal is disgusting or unnatural. Unless of course it’s a vegan.

Agree? Disagree? Have any movies you want reviewed in the future? Comment below. 

Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

Being camp counselors, Jacob and Elisa knew that the first thing they needed to do when news reached about a killer maniac in the area, was to have intercourse as soon as possible. It was fairly uneventful as these things go. A grunt here. A guess which body part I’ve touching now there. No sharing of information. Jacob had learned his lesson last time. This would not be another talking merit badges after the prom fiasco.

No, it was only after the climax that things became a bit more unconventional. Right around the time, he catapulted her into the air while tastefully screaming the word, “whore”.

This declaration was followed by quickly sliding open the barn door and Jacob screaming at the top of his lungs, “Monster! There’s a whore in her. I found the WHORE.”

Elisa quickly dragged him back to the hay bale, clasping her hands over his mouth.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are a whore and serial killers kill whores. Have you never seen a movie?”

“And I’m a whore because?”

“You had sex.”

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t just fuck myself.”

“And?”

“How come you’re not a whore?”

“Like men can be whores. Do you not understand how ridiculous you sound right now? ”

She could only stare.

“I mean you seduced me.”

“I kissed you because you looked sad. I didn’t exactly roofie you.”

“You probably enjoyed it.”

“Would you rather I didn’t? Not sure that would reflect well on you.”

“Women are biologically incapable of enjoying sex. The only reason they do it is to have babies. You should be ashamed.”

“Ashamed?”

“Trying to raise a child in this environment. There’s a crazed killer running around. I’d like to see you child safe that.”

“I’m starting to think I made a mistake.”

“Unless you have no soul. Making you an evil whore who needs to be destroyed.”

“I’m starting to think you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I feel for you. Your whore heart just can’t feel human emotion.”

“Whores charge money. I haven’t….”

“I didn’t make these rules. I suffer for it as well.”

“I find that hard…”

“I wanted to play the oboe.”

“You think it’s okay that I get violently slaughtered, but it’s a tragedy that you can’t be in the marching band?”

“It’s a beautiful instrument.”

“Are you secretly working for death because you are making a very good case for it.”

It was then that the door flung open. Elisa with her head up high. Him hiding under the hay.

“Hey guys.” Keith, another counselor announced as he opened the barn door. “They caught that masked killer. The rest of us were going to Arby’s to celebrate. Didn’t know if you want to come?”

It was then that Keith noticed the rips in their clothes as well as Jacob wearing her bra.

“I’ll just give you guys a minute.”, he said slowly closing the barn door door and taking one last peek before shutting it completely.

Their eyes met and Jacob said the only sentence that could explain the moments they had just experienced. Boiling down the essence of mankind in a way Shakespeare’s ghost would have been jealous he didn’t think of himself.

“So. You want to go again.”

Her hand wanted to punch out all his teeth and force them down his throat until he gagged on them. Slowly cutting his insides to pieces. Make his last words choked out through blood gurgles that he made a mistake and that he would spend the after life in hell crying over his mistreatment of her. What human being would ever take him up on his offer after how she had been treated. However, her other option was Arby’s.

It should surprise no one that she started kissing back.

Like this story? Hate it with the power of a thousand sons? Have any other movie tropes that wouldn’t work in real life? Comment below. It’s the only way I’ll learn. 

Rag Tag

Rag Tag

Rag Tag

“This has to be a joke. Can someone explain what I just saw? How we lost the game that would have put us into the little league world series?”

One of the players raised his hand.

“We’re not very good at playing baseball.”

“Did you think I chose the best players I could? Have you never seen a sports movie. I did my part. I chose the most rag tag group of misfits I could possible find. Do none of you know how life works?“

“Mittens”, he called to a child standing next to him.

“My name is Sam.”

“Mittens, even though God made you simple, he was supposed to give you a other gifts.”

“My hands get cold easily.”

He put his hands on mitten’s shoulder.

“It’s okay son. Some people think Steve Jobs just had ‘cold hands’. And Gandhi as well.

He turned to another player.

“Navajo Joe, you were supposed to use the wisdom of your people to help us find a new way of looking at the game”.

“Man, I’m Asian.”

“Glasses. Your lack of eye sight was supposed to make your other senses better. Instead you just have trouble seeing.”

“Jose, I caught you dealing drugs and put you on this team to make a difference in your life. And how do you repay me. By selling drugs during the game.”

“And girl. Don’t get me started on you. Instead of showing us how sexist we are, turns out you throw LIKE A GIRL.”

“Do any of you know how hard it was to get the district changed so it included the evil team from communist Russia as our arch rivals. Did you learn nothing from Cool Runnings? “

“Coach. Can I say something?”, A young African-American boy asked.

“Sure Jive Turkey”, he said giving the young lad the respect he and his culture deserved.

“Maybe the number of points scored is not the only way to measure the game. Maybe getting a chance to be on that field is worth more than any trophy. And coach you gave us that. He said as his teammates applauded.

Was Coach Jimmy wrong? Maybe life and movies were too separate things. Maybe he wasn’t the one who was doing the lessons. Maybe winning wasn’t the only thing. Maybe….

“Does anyone where I can find some illegal steroids, young looking Dominicans, and prostitutes that charge reasonable rates and don’t being appearing in compromising pictures with little league judges.”

The child stared at him. Their confusion made him look at his request in a new light.

“Not necessarily in that order.”

Like this story? Hate it with the power of a thousand sons? Have any other movie tropes that wouldn’t work in real life? Comment below. It’s the only way I’ll learn.